Family

I've pondered the idea of a blog for several years now. And in fact, I've even had this blog for a few of those years. But it makes it a little difficult to follow if you don't actually write any posts. And so, here I go!

I've been thinking recently about what I would write in a somewhat public forum like this. I am a very private person. Sharing details of my life doesn't come nearly as easy to me as it might to others. This is a little surprising in light of the loud, boisterous family that I love to claim. But somehow, writing is different. And it's because of this family, and the prodding of a dear friend, that I have chosen today to take this step.

This year has been rather difficult for my family. Life has had it's ups and downs in the recent years, but I believe this one has been the hardest thus far. To make matters worse for me personally is the fact that Aaron and I are living here in Alaska, while our families are in Oregon and California. That is almost 2,000 miles and several hours by airplane away. Getting those phone calls and knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do is something that I struggle to deal with. The last week has been one of those weeks.

We made the decision for me to travel to Oregon to see my family in early December a few months ago. I already knew that we wouldn't be able to go home for Christmas due to work schedules but Aaron felt I should still go see them as near to the holidays as possible. I am so thankful he felt that way.

On Saturday, we were heading to the extended family Christmas get together when we got the word that my uncle Gary was being admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. He was diagnosed less than a year ago with pulmonary fibrosis, a chronic condition of the lungs that is usually fatal. A few hours later, we received the call from my aunt saying the doctor didn't think he would survive the night. We immediately headed to the hospital ICU waiting room. This began several days of staying near the hospital as Gary improved a bit and then declined. Standing beside him as he struggled to take in one breath at a time was one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch. I knew in the pit of my stomach that he wasn't going to survive this. Maybe he would get out of the hospital, but this horrible disease would kill him sooner than the two years we had initially been told. One doctor eventually told my mom that a diagnosis of pulmonary fibrosis was a worse diagnosis than cancer due to the fact there is absolutely nothing medically they can do to extend the patient's life.

I am so thankful I was able to actually talk to my uncle and spend several hours with him, even if it was in the ICU. I haven't seen him in over 3 years, due to him living in Ohio and me living in Alaska. There were tears but there were also smiles. And even through the pain, he was able to keep his sense of humor. That is something I will always remember. I was scheduled to fly back to Alaska on Wednesday. That morning we went him to see him and allow me to say goodbye. I could tell that he was not improving. The nurses said he had a rough night and didn't want us disturbing him. I was finally allowed to stand quietly by his side and hold his hand. I stood there with tears streaming down my cheeks watching him struggle to breathe knowing this would probably be my final goodbye. I had so many thoughts running through my head. What do you say to your beloved uncle at a time like this? What do I say to comfort him? What if he asks me the question I dread the most- "Am I going to die"? How do I show him how much I love him? In the end, all I did was stand there, holding his hand so he knew I was there and he was deeply loved. And with a final squeeze, I left him. Walking out of his room was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

Today is Sunday, several days later. My mom and sister have been keeping me updated since I left. And this morning at the end of church I got that phone call. They were turning off the machines when the family arrived at the hospital. Showing my emotions in public is very hard and embarrassing for me. But the tears came in full force anyhow. I am so blessed to have a strong husband there to wrap me in a hug as I cried. Two hours later, I got the second call that he was gone. This all happened so suddenly, I don't feel that it's real yet. I want to know why this happened. But I know there is a purpose in everything, even when we don't understand. Mostly though, I'm so very sad. He had so much to live for. They had just moved to Oregon from Ohio, so they could be closer to family. He had three young grand kids to be there for. And now all that has changed. I know the next few weeks are going to be very hard with the holidays and knowing we have lost another loved one this year. But I rest in the fact that he is in good company, with a healthy body and most importantly no more pain. I will see you again someday, uncle Gary.