The end of an old year and the beginning of a new one. While I'm not the type of person to make "New Year's Resolutions" I still usually have a few goals for the coming year. And if I've learned anything from 2012, it's that my timeline may be quite different than what God has in store for me (and Aaron and I as a couple).
This last year was by far one of the very toughest I've experienced. I'm sure that a few years from now I might feel differently about the struggles and challenges 2012 brought. However, I'm not there yet. And obviously this blog has taken a back seat more often than not. Too often, I start writing and life is just too painful to put into words.
As the beginning of January 2012 approached, I was feeling comfortable in my marriage, our homeownership, my job. We were both struggling at times being so far from family but it wasn't unbearable. My beloved uncle Gary passing away in December came as a hard blow and I felt myself faltering a bit. But we buried ourselves in home improvements (replacing carpet is a chore to say the least!) and I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed in mid January. That was my first real health/surgery experience but I came away fine. It was short lived however.
January 30th, I couldn't bear the pain anymore and went to the doctor. I'd been having excruciating back pain the prior week and a very sore spot on my bum. I went to the doctor embarrassed and a bit scared. It turned out I had a massive boil (which was later redefined as an abscess) that was drained in office. And drained again the next day. Several days of extreme pain, fevers, weakness, and wound issues followed. Between the oral surgery and then the week after the first drain, I lost 10 pounds rapidly. I could barely work but managed a few hours each day because we were short staffed. And slowly I improved. Until my body stalled.
By mid March, I'd been put on five different antibiotics trying to clear up my infection. Nothing was working. My doctor finally decided it was out of his hands and he referred me to a colorectal surgeon. My appointment was a Thursday morning at 10, I was in surgery at 5 pm. I had a massive infection among other issues. I left day surgery that night with a large hole in my bum and no longer caring about the embarrassment issue. Friday at midnight, we flew to Oregon for my Grandma's birthday (which would turn out to be her last. I am so blessed to have been there that year, even if she didn't recognize me). And a few days later we were on a flight to Hawaii for a much anticipated and planned vacation. To say that the trip was bad timing is an understatement. The flights were horribly painful, I didn't swim at all, and I felt like I dragged everyone else down on our trip. My wound care was difficult and not very practical for anyone to help me. I fought the depression and barely won. However, relaxing in the sunshine was wonderful healing.
Again, my wound, now endeared as my "shark bite", began healing well and then it didn't. In June, my surgeon felt there was something else going on and referred me to a gastroenterologist. After hearing my personal health history, symptoms, and my dad's history, I found myself scheduled for a colonoscopy.
June 22 was a very difficult day both physically and emotionally. Even as a write this, the tears come. While I wasn't given an "official diagnosis" that Friday, he told us it was Crohn's. I was 25, scared to death, in pain, and seeing the immediate dreams Aaron and I had change before my very eyes. Making that tearful phone call to my parents that I had Crohn's was the hardest I've made. And I won't forget my husband emotionally calling his dad. It was a beautiful day outside but inside we were hurting so badly.
The next weeks were filled with blood draws, immunizations, doctor appointments, and the beginning of my treatment. I continued to struggle with the whys. My faith struggled, my marriage struggled, my relationships with co workers and friends changed and became more distanced in many cases. I had always wondered/worried if I would follow in my dad's footsteps, but the confirmation was harder than I ever thought it would be. I quickly learned to put on a brave face. It was so much easier than going into the terrifying details. We received wonderful support from both our families, friends, and co workers. I will be forever grateful God knew who we would need at that time. Although being near my family would have been wonderful, I'm sure dealing with my pain and their pain at the same time would have been even harder. There were many tear filled phone calls and nights as we all learned to cope with this new life.
As I sit here, almost one year later from when my recent health journey began, there are several truths I know. While I will never understand the whys of life, I do know my merciful God was right there each step, from sitting scared and hurting in the doctor's office, through various procedure preps, to several surgeries and recovery, to the days at home. He carried me when I could not walk by myself. And even now, I am like a toddler learning to walk, stumbling more often than not. But I'm comforted knowing He is never far away.
I have been blessed with an amazing husband who has not left my side, no matter how emotional, scared, depressed, or unloving I have been to him. I'm sure he never thought we would celebrate our second anniversary by prepping for a colonoscopy. And the support from our parents, siblings, and extended family has been wonderful for both of us to feel and see.
My team of doctors, nurses, and infusion center staff have been so easy to work with and put myself in their hands. Both my surgeon and GI doctor truly have my best interests at heart. They fully answer our questions and explain not just what but why they choose the treatment they do. In addition, as much as health insurance frustrates me, I am incredibly thankful I have a dependable job with good coverage. I added up the costs of my medical care for 2012 and it exceeded 100K dollars! Thank you Lord for providing for us this year!
Our large support network has made many tough days bearable. Our co workers who didn't even hesitate when I had unexpected days off and Aaron had to come with me to the hospital. Our small group who have prayed for us both and kept in contact even when I didn't reciprocate. And our greater network of friends who provided prayers, meals, companionship, a surprise gift basket, and general "friendly" things.
This year was tough. It brought a lot of changes and difficult days and the realization that several of our life goals need to be readjusted. My health is not my own and my body dictates what I eat, what activities I can do, and how many times I am in and out of the doctor's office. But we are slowly learning to adjust and make those changes. 2012 also brought many good days, the chance to see a lot of our family (including meeting Aaron's Oma and Opa for the first time!), a stronger relationship with my husband and the reminder that I don't need to do everything myself.
What a year it was! But the best part is living proof of God's faithfulness. My second colonoscopy in December showed that I am responding to treatment and they can classify me as "in remission." While we have no idea how long my body will stay in remission, I will take every day that I am given! And I will do my best to remember that no matter what this coming year brings, I am never alone.
