According to the date stamp of my last post, it's been quite awhile since I've written anything here. But that's just the way life goes sometimes. Tonight, I write for myself. To get my thoughts on paper and see if anything makes more sense than it does in my head. So many days have been up and down the last few months. And unfortunately the trend is going down once again. I try very hard to focus on the positive as I am naturally prone to look at the negative. The downhills always seems larger than the uphills, the bad bigger than the good. I have had more success in recent years leaning on the positive side, but it's not a natural thing for me at this point in my life. It takes work.
Life takes work. Too much it seems sometimes. And I know I'm not supposed to understand all the why's in life, but I sure would appreciate having a few more answers than I currently have. My dad goes into surgery tomorrow morning. Again. It was supposed to happen today, but the surgeons hadn't decided what route to go, so they delayed it. He's going to have his left calf and foot amputated below the knee. While this isn't a new idea, it's certainly been decided quickly. If they just clean out the wound, it will only delay this surgery a few months at most, at which point we'll have to decide again which is the best option. Unfortunately with the infection he can't kick, everyone is being forced into a quick decision. And that's hard to deal with.
There is a very real possibility he won't survive the recovery, assuming he makes it through surgery itself. His body has taken such a beating the last few years. And mentally, I don't see how he could be prepared. He wants to be done, and yet that human thread wants to keep breathing and living. How can you maintain your will to survive when your body is a shell of what it once was; when it has all but given up? And now you are faced with losing a physical part of you that you were born with and know intimately?
I can't make sense of it. These decisions that impact your immediate health and future are not black in white. There are so many middle things to consider. And while my head is well aware of quality verses quantity of life, it doesn't mean my heart has followed suit. I would give just about anything so that my dad doesn't live with this pain, depression, and lack of enjoyable life. And if that means God calls him home, that's okay. I know he will be surrounded by so many people he loves and we will see him again. But he's my dad. And this daughter doesn't want that to happen. I want him here for me, for my sister, my mom, my husband, my future babies and everything this life has to offer.But I want him whole and healthy.
But I won't get that option. All I can do now is talk to him one last time and pray I get another chance, however selfish that might be. For the thousandth time I wish we lived closer, that I could be there with my family, giving them the shoulder to cry on that I need in return. The miles seem so long tonight.
