Patient Patience

It's quiet tonight, here in our house. Aaron is at his bi-weekly review class and is gone all evening. You'd think I would be used to it by now since he spent the majority of September on a work trip Outside. I love having him home again, but I certainly don't mind some quiet time either after a long day at work.
Unfortunately, all this down time over the last month has left me with too much time to think. About work, about family, about my health and our future. I've written this post several different times, several different ways. And even though I know that I am one of the very few people to read it, it doesn't make it any easier to say or admit. I'm sick. I have an incurable disease and I have to learn to deal with it. 
I've been diagnosed with Crohn's disease, a gastrointestinal autoimmune disorder. I've always known I have the risk to develop it due to the fact that my dad has it. But that doesn't mean I thought I currently have it. When I was diagnosed in June, it was a bit of a shock. Up until recently, that shock was still there most days and I didn't have to constantly think about it. I've been able to separate my wound issue (which began all this medical drama) from the actual Crohn's issue. Over the last ten days though, I'm coming to the larger realization that I'm affected by this cruel disease. I've had a lot of abdominal pain, back pain, and general discomfort. One of the medications I'm on could potentially affect my both my pancreas and my liver. This pain really showed my that I no longer just "have patients" at work but I am now "a patient." I finally broke down and admitted I needed copies of my medical record. All 250+ pages. 
It's been mostly an emotional Crohn's journey until now. If I didn't have this wound issue, I could almost ignore all my physical symptoms. Forget the present and talk mostly of the "what if's" of the future. But when I was curled in a ball the other night, crying into Aaron's shoulder about not wanting to be sick anymore, I realized I will have to deal with this now. Not in my future. And that meant calling the doctor and giving up on being the tough one for this round.
The good news is I had an ultrasound today that showed my pancreas, liver, gallbladder, kidneys, and spleen are all normal in appearance. That was a big relief. I've seen patients with pancreatitis  and I didn't want to be dealing with that and the major medication change that would accompany it. The bad news is now we just wait and see what my pain does for the next week. Hopefully, when I have an infusion on Monday, that will help clear up a lot of the pain and discomfort. But until this goes away, I'm reminded that patience has never been my strong suit....